Well first of all let me say , that i dont honestly feel like i should be writing here at all , since i rarely reply to posts( i usually read most posts everyday , but just dont think that i can add anything productive so just stay quiet)
That said .... yesterday i had what had to have been the most unnerving session ever! When i first went in we were talking about a subject that although was upsetting , wasnt too awful . Somewhere in the middle of the session that changed drastically and i guess i must have been triggered in a huge way, because like all of the sudden i was curled up in a little ball , scared , confused , lost whatever... My T was pretty close to me and i remember her asking me if she needed to back up , but i absolutely could not speak a word .. all i could do was nod my head yes. During this time she continually was talking to me and asking me different questions , but still i could not utter a word, just shake my head or nod it. Several times i felt so confused as to where i actually was and who she was , despite this being my T for the last 3 + years and in the same office . I guess she figured this out , cause she did aske me if i knew her and where i was at. Again all i could do was shake my head , even though their were words running around in my mind that i thought i should say or wanted to say .. nothing. At one point i remember her asking me how old i was ... i could hear my inside voices clearly yelling that i am 41 , but nothing would come out at all. Finally after this going on for what seemed like an hour ( even though it didnt) she finally asked me what i needed to be safe or something like that , to which i looked at the door . After many more questions she finally asked me if i needed to leave , which i was able to nod yes , but still no sound. When i got out to the car i was still reeling , but at least felt a small sense of safety and basically just held on to the car for a few minutes . I imagine that my T must have been watching me , because soon after that she called me on the phone and wanted to know if it would be ok for her to come outside and help me to the car, now i have a voice ... go figure and say NO , please dont . She talked to me probably another 10 minutes , when i finally tried to drive away , so no one would notice that i was acting weird, but barely made it to the next driveway which is no more than 15 feet away from the T's driveway. There i sat for what must have been another 15 minutes , left there and made it another block down the road before i needed to stop again. It took me from 5 pm when i left t's office till nearly 7 pm to get home and i live about 15 minutes away ( traffic isnt an issue , as i live in the booneys) Although i do believe i remember most of the session , i dont know what happened to me and where the responsible , normal acting person went to . It has me completely freaked out , and i guess in some way a little pissed at my T for allowing me to leave in that state.. Yes i know i made the decision to leave , and i have some responsibility in this , but i am not sure that it was in my best interests to leave in that condition( by the way they close at 5 so there were no other appointments for the day). I am scared to death to go back and i am supposed to come back in on friday ( per her request , also had to check in today), but i dont ever want that to happen again . I dont ever want to feel like i was feeling again. I just dont know how i will manage to go back in and avoid talking about what happened . I dont get it ... why couldnt i figure out who she was ? Why couldnt i figure out where i was ? Why couldnt i speak? Why couldnt i move till i got permission? How the hell do i avoid this from happening again?