I have intended to post summaries each week from the chats, and haven't organized myself that well. The past two weeks we have talked about Interpersonal Effectiveness as a way to prioritize and ask for what you need or want, and about Mindfulness.

One question that came up was which set of skills to use when. I think that many of us, when we are in situations that we don't like, tend to look for a way to tolerate the situation (Emotion Regulation and Distress Tolerance skills). Sometimes that is the best option. We haven't discussed those skills yet hardly at all, and I know that I need to learn more of them because I'm not so good at either. There are other times when changing the situation, or attempting to, is a better plan. In that case, we need Interpersonal Effectiveness skills (which are basically assertiveness skills).

To decide, consider the situation and your priorities.

• What is your objective in the situation? What is it that you want to get or to change?
• What are the relationship factors? How do you want the other person to feel about you?
• What are the self-respect effectiveness factors? How do you want to feel about yourself and what will it take to achieve that?

Once you have asked yourself these questions, you will have a better idea whether to make a request or try to change the situation, and also you will be in a better position to plan out your request or strategy.