I didn't know where to put this, I never do anymore....

I am collapsing,

My moods are killing me, up and down, spin me all around,

It feels like everyone in my life is going to fall away, I know they aren't really going to, that it is my fear of loneliness and my fear of losing my loved ones that makes me feel like that

One minute I am crying, the next I am laughing like a mad scientist, I don't know why I"m laughing I just am. I am angry than guilty, vengeful than regretful, swinging round and round, just screaming from the inside at this madness, it is breaking me apart.

Right now I am just bawling uncontrollably, just bawling, I feel dead, hollow.... I feel reckless, like I need to prove to myself I can still feel....

I can't sleep, or I sleep to much, right now I feel unmotivated, so unmotivated to even do the thing I love most and that is create, I don't understand this, I think I am a danger to myself right now, but I am to scared to call anyone, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to upset someone else...this is my problem I should handle it...

But really all I want is for someone to hold me, and let me cry, and tell me everything will be okay, for once in my life I just want to give into the madness, I just want to quit being strong I want to fall apart, I want to throw myself on the floor and bawl and scream and curl up in the fetal position and stare at the wall.

I don't know what to do, I feel guilty for posting this, for taking up others time, I hate myself for what I'm typing, for the thoughts running endlessly through my mind torturing me, the nightmares, the pain, the memories, I hate myself so much, for reaching out, for asking for that simple for little word.........

HELP.......