Just an Update. I will try and keep it brief

I went to T.

I was fumbling and dropping stuff before the appt even started...I wonder if T noticed. I felt out of it all day.

T noticed something was wrong about 30 seconds into the appointment. I tried to fake the funk, but couldn't. Per usual, she asked about my weekend. We always try make sure I have something to do. I told her I went out with my friend and it was fine (i usually elaborate). She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I told her I was fine. She said "you dont want to be here?" I told her no. I was going to cancel. She asked if it was my usual just not wanting to be there. I told her no. She asked if I was upset about something and I jsut sat there. So I told her and we talked about it and she was so nice and caring and very gentle with it. She kept pausing and eventually I asked why. She said she was trying to figure out (since I wasn't be very vocal) if we should continue with the topic.

We talked about my past relationships and I told her essentially I have never really been without someone. I have always jumped from one to another or was with people simultaneously. Maybe I am a serial dater or something. I dont know. She asked if i think this is a good time for me to begin to work on my life and heal. I told her no, I want my bf (well ex)....real mature. She asked about the emotions connected to this. She wanted to know if I felt any emotions (what does she think im some monster?? )I said yes. Of course but I am trying to contain them. She wants me to reach out and connect with someone. I told her I really don't have anyone IRL. My sis would be thrilled that we are not together, I cant go to my "friends" rarely see them, I would feel guilty calling them up to essentially cry on their shoulder. My parents are a big NO. I told her I will be fine. I can't be around ppl when Im like this. Im pissed and sad and feel huge guilt, fear, hatred for myself....Im a mess and I'd rather stay away from people. No one like LLT when she's upset. So I figured I will stay away until I can pull myself together. She said she felt bad that she will be out all next week. I told her not too feel bad. That I was fine. I dont think she believed me.

We ended the appt with her asking me. If it was possible, she would like it if I would reach out to someone. I told her no without hesitation and said I will be fine (my phrase of the night). She wanted to know what I was doing this weekend. i hate when she asks me. I told her I will let her know at the next appt. Right now I jsut want to be left alone.

Ugh I can't type anymore--plus this is getting disgustingly long. I took something to help me sleep. I think it's kicking in....good night everyone. sorry this is so long.