You know T said to me once that I don't let her help...it wasn't said as simply as that nor suddenly it was part of a conversation...I remembering answering saying in a very rough shot way "I'm here aren't I?" actually it was more cockney than that it was more "I'm ere ain't I?" LOL!! (oops sorry, my sense of humour) and she replied "yes your here", (no cockney for her)LOL

So yesterday I was wanting to escape and sedate myself perhaps with a touch of codiene and couldn't think of a way not to do that, until I allowed myself to admit that I so wanted contact with T, so I emailed her saying no reply was needed, I Just needed a small amount of contact with her and just knowing I'd emailed would be enought of a defences..T replied 7mins later and said, "finding alternatives was good and reaching out was the next step adn I had done both!

REACHING OUT - yes this is the biggest struggle I have, I don't realise I even consiously do this, not reach out, I think this is also why I feel spritually dead, because all my life I've had to rely on me and have never learnt that REACHING OUT is a good thing and a comforting thing to do...Its always been a bit like fishing in the dark...but just that communication with T yesterday has kept me "filled up" since..I reached out and she responded positively...she didnt' scream or shout at me...This feels a bit like learning to walk all over again...