Mouse's thread about reaching out got me thinking about my own experience with reaching out and getting or not getting what it was I was looking for....

Things have been good in T lately. No bumps or misunderstandings. Lots of connectedness actually, in the last two weeks I have had three sessions and a phone session. I have been in a rough way with all of the things I am sorting through internally and I have quit my job to go to another one which has created a lot of emotional upheaval as well. But T has been a grounding place, a place to sort things out and feel stability.

Then this week I did more concious unearthing- I met with my brother to talk about our childhood (this would be another thread on it's own and more suited for the survivor forum) something that I discussed with T before hand. I called T on Tuesday after I had met with my brother, just to check-in. I wanted to let her know a little of what had transpired but didn't really want to process or want her to call me back and I stated that in my message to her.

However, now I am feeling disappointed (or something?!?) that she didn't call back...Even just to acknowledge me calling. Which is completely ridiculous because I said "you don't need to call me back". And truly when I called I had no interest in processing through anything. I intentionally called at a time when I knew I could leave a message.

I am wondering though if I set her up to be a bad guy or I set myself up to feel some really old feelings of not being worth letting someone care for me.

After thinking on it more it feels like both. My feeling this way creates that nagging voice in my mind of: "She doesn't care...See she didn't even call you back and this was a huge move on your part..."

It also creates old feelings of not being worthwhile, not being of value, of not getting my needs met, of being abandoned and neglected.

And I feel a bit angry at myself too. Why can't I just be straightforward? Why do I have no clue what I need? I feel like I unconsciously created this so I could feel bad and feel distance after all this closeness.

Anyone ever feel this way? Or catch themself in the middle or after of something like this and figure out how to stop it?

Just more grist for the mill right?