The struggle of reaching out versus coping alone resonates with me also! As a child, my needs were often not considered or not even noticed. I grew up not opening up emotionally to anybody. I didn't let people know when I was hurting, and did not expect them to help. Then one day as an adult, when I was suffering a deep depression, I did reach out to somebody, who seemed to offer genuine empathy and a desire to help. I got very attached, and allowed myself to be very vulnerable with her, to trust again after so many years of keeping everything inside. And got BURNED BADLY! I couldn't believe it: after decades of being closed up, I took one more chance to trust and connect . . .and ended up with the same rejection and abandonment theme I'd suffered as a child.

Since then, my heart has said NO MORE!!! I am a closed book when it comes to telling people how I feel, when I hurt, or even letting them help me. I know I am keeping myself isolated and lonely. But the alternative of getting close to somebody and being badly hurt again feels so much more threatening. There are 2 or 3 people in my life who act like they would like to be friends with me. But I just can't do it. I find myself making excuses when they invite me to do things. I try to be polite and smile, and am truly interested in listening to what they have to say. But there's a part of me internally that is fending them off with a 10-foot pole, saying "It'll be a cold day in *^&% before I'll let you in my heart or share my inner world with you." I feel too tender hearted and vulnerable. I just don't think I could take the pain of connecting with someone, coming to really care, and then being rejected again. I am terrified to even try.

So. . .yeah. . .I totally understand how you're feeling when your t suggests you connect with others and you feel resistant. It's a self-protection thing. It's a two-edged sword.

I hope that you will continue talking to your t about your feelings, especially when it comes to connecting with others. By avoiding connection, we may avoid being hurt again. But it keeps us trapped alone in our own internal prison. I hope someday, we will both find a way to trust and connect with the right people, in the right way, and be free.