Quote:
Originally Posted by searchingmysoul
Mouse's thread about reaching out got me thinking about my own experience with reaching out and getting or not getting what it was I was looking for....
Things have been good in T lately. No bumps or misunderstandings. Lots of connectedness actually, in the last two weeks I have had three sessions and a phone session. I have been in a rough way with all of the things I am sorting through internally and I have quit my job to go to another one which has created a lot of emotional upheaval as well. But T has been a grounding place, a place to sort things out and feel stability.
Then this week I did more concious unearthing- I met with my brother to talk about our childhood (this would be another thread on it's own and more suited for the survivor forum) something that I discussed with T before hand. I called T on Tuesday after I had met with my brother, just to check-in. I wanted to let her know a little of what had transpired but didn't really want to process or want her to call me back and I stated that in my message to her.
However, now I am feeling disappointed (or something?!?) that she didn't call back...Even just to acknowledge me calling. Which is completely ridiculous because I said "you don't need to call me back". And truly when I called I had no interest in processing through anything. I intentionally called at a time when I knew I could leave a message.
I am wondering though if I set her up to be a bad guy or I set myself up to feel some really old feelings of not being worth letting someone care for me.
After thinking on it more it feels like both. My feeling this way creates that nagging voice in my mind of: "She doesn't care...See she didn't even call you back and this was a huge move on your part..."
It also creates old feelings of not being worthwhile, not being of value, of not getting my needs met, of being abandoned and neglected.
And I feel a bit angry at myself too. Why can't I just be straightforward? Why do I have no clue what I need? I feel like I unconsciously created this so I could feel bad and feel distance after all this closeness.
Anyone ever feel this way? Or catch themself in the middle or after of something like this and figure out how to stop it? 
Just more grist for the mill right? |
Searching
I did the same thing with T once. I called her and cancelled after she made me angry and scared me during a session and told her not to call me back. I intentionally called at a time when i knew i could leave a message. After I left the message. I was really hoping she'd call back (even though I told her not too). She did end up calling back, but that was first to make sure it was me because there are two of us with the same name. but she said she wanted to call back anyways despite needing the confirmation (she already knew it was me) to check on me
. I honestly think I wouldve been disappointed if T didnt call me back. then I woulda thought she didn't care about why I was cancelling the following weeks appointment--esp since it was no more than 24 hour after I scheduled it
, which wouldve gotten me more angry.
I think you really did want T to call back. One, you called when you knew you would be able to leave a voicemail ( i did that same thing). two, "no need to call back" means "I want you to call me back" (at least for me anyways) and if you don't I am going to be pissed with you--LOL. That's what i was thinking when I left the message for my T. I am not quite sure how to stop it though. I think the only way to stop it is to speak up for what you want and be clear about it. Maybe T thought your message was crystal clear...No need to call back and she took it at face value? I havent gotten to that point yet where i can just be up front about what i want from someone. For me it's soooo hard to tell anyone what i want. even if its something as simple as a gift. I usually will just say nothing. Whatever I want i can get it myself.
take care