FDA Approves Salmonella
Pathogen 'Now Part Of A Well-Balanced Diet'

Redcoat Holdouts Still Fighting American Revolution
In a surprising development that has confirmed a number of longstanding local rumors, authorities discovered the 32nd Regiment of His Majesty's Royal British Army still fighting the Revolutionary War in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, MA Monday.

Ariel Sharon Closes Eyes Just As Nurse Enters Hospital Room

Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden
In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants of the White House Rose Garden Monday and was nearly devoured whole.

Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds

Woman Upset At Herself For Feeling Hungry
Telling friends that she "just ate a huge thing of yogurt four hours ago," local woman Vanessa Stroud chided herself Tuesday for feeling hunger, a natural urge experienced by all living creatures to ensure they consume the sustenance necessary to maintain metabolic processes and other biological processes.

EXTRA
Persuasive Jumper Talks Entire Police Force Up Onto Ledge

Coughed Ritz Cracker Dust Beautifully Illuminated By Glow Of Television