So I can feel it coming on like a monster that you pray doesn't revisit you again. I was doing so well too. I was so happy that it had been two years since going off my meds and I was amazed that I still felt pretty good. Then suddenly one stressful event and it's back to the black hole...slowly but I see the signs now. It started with ONE FRIEND who put me down and made me feel bad about myself....and then I went into myself saying this is why I'm still single, this is why I have trouble keeping relationships because I MUST be a bad person, unlikable and certainly unlovable. the rational side of me knows she's not a good friend, and she was drunk and belligerent when she put me down, but the paranoid side of me thinks she is right and that's why I don't allow myself to get too close to people because the minute there is any problem, I blame myself and criticize myself. So I started to feel bad about what she said...then it got worse....I got a ticket that I can't afford and then got laid off from my job. For the past week I have been doing nothing but sleeping and crying.....the black monster has returned to my life the mother ****er. Just when I thought I was able to manage life brought the ****er back into my psyche and now I'm back to wishing I were dead/not here and wishing I had the guts to just kill myself. I no longer have a purpose in life...the only purpose I had before was my job because I'm not married/no kids so what/who do I have to live for? My job kept me here and now that I don't have that either I feel I have no purpose and the future looks grim to me. I don't see a future. I don't see how I'm going to pay my bills. I turn 38 tomorrow and am so depressed becasue I feel like such a loser. 38 and what do I have to show for it? Nothing...single, unmarried, jobless. What's the point of me wasting my time/energy on this planet. I feel like I am just here going through the motions waiting for the bus that will take me away from all of this. Of course they say suicide is hell but life feels like hell to me...like one dark empty vacant hole....a black hole that I endure every day. This is not living...this is enduring. I know people in the world have it worse than me but they also have a desire to live and a hope to live...I have none of that. I feel nothing but sadness. I feel unloved, unappreciated, unwanted and unimportant...completely purposeless. the fact that I am where I am right now in my life at 38 tells me that I'm right. I'm a 38 year old loser with nothing to live for and nothing to show. I'm spending my bday alone. I hate myself. I hate that I'm so ****ed up and complicated...why can't i be like everyone else...married, kids, job and happy. I have none of that. all i have is my miserable ****ing self, a worthless piece of unlovable ****.