I was listening to a radio phone -in as I drove to T this morning...at first I wondered what "issue" would be at the forefront today, would it be the emails I wrote, would it be about the muddles we experienced last week? ..but once I heard the phone in, I knew what it would be. The phone in was about mother's day on the 22nd and about those that have lost their mothers and how that feels.

As these daughters were talking about their loss, I knew the feelings too, but felt I had no right to know this feeling because I lost my mother before I knew her, unyet the loss was identical to the stories on the radio.

I found myself feel a little angry and jealous that these people had comforting memorys to help them through, I had none, I couldnt look back on anything because it was all preverbal, UNYET my body holds the memorys and it hurts and its like no words have been invented to describe the loss for me.

I told T as soon as I arrived about hearing the show and how I felt and how it seems so silly to have so much pain having only spent such a short lenght of time with my birht mother, T said, yes but at that point that short lenght of tmie spent with her was your entire life to that point.

we talked somemore about working on the forgiveness, and how I am still trying to work out where I stand with all off this, and I said, you know I don't know what she left me, apart from life??

T said, well if you look within yourself you will find the key...we talked some more and I hit on what it is my birth mother "left me", and suddenly I felt like I had "come home", I found my connection, my real connection, my place in the order of things. I actually felt I finally had a mother, not a perfect mother, not one I would have wanted, but the reality is, she is the one I got and there is something she left me with, that isn't a negative, so all in all, it was a nice session