(((Searching)))

I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings! When I read your post, it seemed notable to me that this incident of feeling "not worthwhile" and "not of any value" happened right after you'd had a discussion with your brother about your childhood. When you think back to your childhood, was this a prominent feeling you had about yourself? That your parents did not really care about you, and what you wanted or needed did not matter? If so, then talking with your brother about your past most likely brought up a whole host of these "yucky" feelings of being worthless and unimportant. It would make perfect sense, then, that if you called t afterward and did not get a reply, those feelings of being not important and not cared about might arise in connection with your t, even if you did not ask for a call back.

Babies and very young children can't always say what they need. So it's very important for a parent to be attentive to their baby or child, to notice their signals. To realize when their child is distressed or needs something. Then to respond. When that doesn't happen, the baby or child begins to feel "Nobody cares. I do not matter." If this happened with you as a child with your parents, then maybe a small part of you hopes that t will know you well enough and care enough to know what you need and provide it . . .to read your signals, so to speak, without you having to ask for it. Then, if nothing happens, all the old "I'm not important. I'm neglected. Nobody cares" feelings arise all over again, just like when you were little.

Your statement here is a big insight:

I am wondering though if . . . I set myself up to feel some really old feelings of not being worth letting someone care for me.

If those feelings of unimportance and neglect are coming up in connection with t not calling you back, there is probably a need for you and t to explore more fully where those feelings first originated. I know this is a painful area. But the fact that you felt compelled to talk to your brother about your childhood may show that you are ready to take a closer look at where those abandonment feelings first occurred. The fact that you wanted to reach out to t after talking with your brother about this is a good thing. You want t's help to deal with all of this. I'm sorry that not getting a return call brought up all those old painful feelings. Sometimes it helps to know where they are coming from, and to realize that even if t could not read your mind and know you needed a call back, it does not mean you are "not worthwhile" or that she has "rejected and abandoned" you.