marjan,
I'm so sorry you are going through this rough patch...

Have your thought about counseling to help you sort your feelings? you are aware of your actions; perhaps if you know and understand why it will ease things for you.

You mentioned it being difficult about being friends yet this is where you may need to start. Going slowly can be wonderfully relaxing when you aren't expecting immediate intimacy. Intimacy in this case is not meant sexually; it's meant as growing into knowing each other well, respect and affection developing, just enjoying each other.

Peace,
Cap