It started last week, I fought not to take the nap in the day. I took it. I didn't get to bed till 12 or 1. The next 2 or 3 days passed I went for another daytime nap. Didn't go to bed till 3 or 4, woke up at about 10 or so. I was doing so well with not napping for a good few weeks.

I haven't worked on any of my workbooks. I haven't written down my "skills", the shittty committy (negative mind chatter) is working itself back up.

I feel disappointed in myself, can't even keep my heart rate up for an hour. Eating too much, till in pain, or eat past the pain.

Keeping myself huddled in bed under the blankets for as long as possible (but no longer on the meds) so I can't sleep into the abyss. I would like that right now.

Watching my old Disney movies repeatedly trying to take myself back to a happier place.

Can't figure out the Mindset I had two years ago in the summer when I was supposedly sicker, and worked out on a mini stepper everyday for 10mins for two weeks. I have a mini stepper here now too, and can't seem to motivate myself to use it.

I motivated myself to stay alive. Thoughts creep back in. Last Thursday, seemed to have a nervous breakdown, and felt quite invalidated as my dad just laughed. I cried like a baby. Made it to the Workshop though, something I was on my way to.

Sunday morning had another Nervous Breakdown, the little crying baby came back, and of course it was in front of dad (on phone) again.

Feeling better than the last three years, so trying to fix the things I let go for soooo long. Like my debt to the book club, and the CD club. Trying to save money too, not happening. I guess that could only work if I had a job. AND yet I know that isn't true. Just because a person has more money added to what they normally have (and what they have is nothing) they will prob have more nothing and be just as or more depressed. I have a budget, I treat myself once a month.

Those two times in the past week where I was emotionally heightened I wanted to go bye bye. Other than that the feeling always passes after 5 mins or so. Feelings I basically dealt with alllll the time. But now twice in less than a week for the first time in a few months.

Guilty feelings today. My fitness dance class allowed for a guest visit (free), and this person I have only run with twice in my area I let her know. She was willing. I reminded her last night by email, she left a message saying she might be late and some other stuff I didn't understand. So with fighting my shittty committy in my mind as I usually do b4 going to Zumba (fitness dance class) I kept thinking whether or not she would show. Having sleep problems, couldn't get up in time for shower. I txted her to say I couldn't make it.... Felt semi-horrible doing it) she txt me back saying it was ok maybe next time. But I still feel guilty.

On here FAR TOO MUCH. Using it to fill my void. Had a certain someone filling my void. I feel if though I am having to explain myself too much. And I don't have to do that for anyone. Like now: I know I have to fix my void within myself to make me happy, noone and not anything can do that ever. Have been doing "healthy" things to fill the lonliness and boredom.

BUT when I add to much, like now it is overwhelming. And yet still facing a void. Depressed. Depressed. Depressed. Now is not the time for a relationship. Only was in two ever, 3 1/2 years ago. None since. Just bad stuff. No girlfriends. No mom. Only dad. No other family. Keep my distance from the neighbors from the last incidents. Transition. Sad. Bored. Anxious. Depressed.


Can't help but feel I am a nuisance to this community. Can never seem to give short little replies or threads. They just draggggg onnnnn. Part of the reason why I feel I am annoying. Or that noone answers my threads. But of course that is not the reason. It is alll in my head.