Those are such great questions and yes, I have been there too, and still often am. Especially about not having a clue what I need. It took a long time in therapy to discover that. To learn to listen to my innards and ferret out what I might be needing. I am much better at it now, but still work at it all the time.

Yes, there are times I have caught myself in the middle of doing something and been able to stop myself. But this came after a year or more in therapy. Once I started telling T a lie, in session, and caught myself mid-lie, and suddenly just said, "no that's not true, what happened was..." T didn't bat an eye. I have also learned not to "make nice" when I don't feel that way, or say, "oh that doesn't matter," when it really does. T says this is being more authentic--having what you present to the outside world more in sync with your inside world--the real you. I remember one time T and I were riding the elevator to his office together and he said he had been really worried about me because of our last session (which was very volatile). In the past, I might have been embarrassed for my behavior at the session, but not any more. In that session, I had been feeling angry, upset, volatile, and I let T see that. AFter all, why not? He is the therapist, he is supposed to hear that stuff. So I was really proud, in the elevator, that I didn't respond to his comments about our last session with a lame apology, such as, "oh, yeah, sorry about that last time." Instead all I said was, "last time was really intense." I was so proud of not apologizing for that session! That doesn't seem like much, but it is big progress for me not to minimize my feelings and not to always feel like I have to smooth things over.

So, yeah, searchingmysoul, keep going towards figuring out what you need. That is a totally, totally important goal.

That is such a sweet story, EM.