I thought I was over having violent outbursts, but I had an "episode" this weekend. I was diagnosed (almost immediately) with PTSD a few weeks back when I started seeing my Pdoc. I went almost 3 years before discovering what was wrong with me. During that 3 years I had numerous violent outbursts towards my husband and I never knew why until my diagnosis.

This past Saturday was my youngest son’s first communion. Although I was excited about going to his ceremony, I was feeling TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY guilty all last week about missing my oldest son’s first communion 2 years ago. I had so much remorse all last week leading up to Saturday’s ceremony, but I never thought to discuss it with anyone...I just thought I was feeling guilty about missing out on a family event 2 years ago. I have missed so much over the past 3 years due to PTSD and I'm starting to get deeply depressed about not being there for my family as much as I could have.

Well, Saturday morning came around and my husband and I started discussing the schedule for the day since we had family coming for the ceremony. Then he brought up the fact that I had missed my oldest son’s ceremony 2 years ago...wrong thing to do...he’s now discovered. That led to a huge fight over nothing (my guilt was sparring it on) and I ended up crying through the entire ceremony at our church. Why in the world did he have to bring up me missing my son’s ceremony previously? That memory (or guilt) acted as a trigger and I ended up hitting my husband with my purse in the church parking lot...several times. He just wouldn’t leave me alone to calm down. I don’t think anyone saw what was happening, but I’m certain some people herd my yelling.

I haven’t had one of these outbursts since I started seeing my Pdoc. I feel like I’m losing progress. I thought things were getting better and I was rid of the outbursts. They are humiliating and embarrassing. Until now, they have only happened at home, but this one was in public...and at church...of all places!! Thank God my children and the rest of our family didn’t see it. I’m mortified and haven’t been able to get out of bed since so now I’ve taken to bed again.
What if I have another one in public and my kids start to see this? They normally happen while I’m trying to work because the person that threatened to kill me was due to work related issues. This time, a bad memory and guilt brought it out in me. These have to stop as they're ruining my life.