My beloved son

so little so small
feeling it all
lost and searching
in the jungle of words
confused- just looking
anxiety growing
sadness showing
feeling so lost
to what cost
a boy in the fog
feeling smaller than small
he is my son
my beloved fruit
I feel his heart
it's beating like mine
I see the look on his face
telling me to be his guide
his eyes in deepest blue
the mirror of his mind
not easy my boy
but trust me
I am your mom
I love you
all of you

about our son

The invisible one


screaming
crying
why
to be seen by others
to feel love
in the shadow of her brother
my little girl- I see you
I promise
I love you, my sweet doll
I know you're hurting
in need to be heard
need to be held
I know you
I feel your feelings
I love your smile
glowing like a sunbeam
mom adores you
I see you

about our daughter

Learn how to fly


my little darling... please don't cry
soon your wings will get ready to fly
I know... your friends are flying up in the light air
I feel your sadness- my sweet baby bird
mama loves you more than you'll ever know
to fly is fun- but there are things more important
you need to grow... to learn the outside world
the map I will give to you- my sweet little girl
soon enough your wings will get eager to move
to be riding the winds above in that clear blue sky

about our daughter

Faked smile


why laugh
when you only feel half
because it's good
that I've understood
but it's so hard
to pick the right card
not easy to force a smile to come
when you can't see the light from the sun
to pretend is maybe not the end
makes it easier to come through the bend
or does it really
tell me sincerely
when you laugh out loud
do you feel like you're walking upon a cloud
or does your mind tell you that it's fake
this huge smile you're trying to make
I know I'm thinking too much
caught once again by this merciless clutch

about myself

Talk


small talk
too much talk
what did I just say
oh no maybe not the right way
see me as a fool
is that what you are doing
how can I know
searching looking for answers
erosion ruining my brain
energy fled to another place
now I stand here all alone
hearing myself talking
about this and that
oh no did I just laugh too much
or too loud
I feel transparent
can you really see right through me
am I only a fake
a huge mistake in life
tell me
I need to know
'cause the way it's going
it's moving fast
I don't know
how much longer my patience will last
to feel peace, harmony inside this creation of mine
is what I need to finally feel fine

about myself


The Princess & The Prince




now as I go to bed
with many thoughts in my head
I know that there will be a tomorrow
I hope- a day without sorrow
to see the glow in my kid's eyes
in where so much beauty lies
to hear them laughing in joy
drawing pictures, playing with that toy
running around jumping up and down
wearing that princess crown
playing games to win in the end
my love- I to them both send
some days are really rough
you my boy acting tough
but I know it is not who you are
it is the disorder leaving a scar
you my girl is oh so sweet
in the early morning light entering our room
shining with a face already in bloom
tomorrow- another day to be with you
under the sky- ocean blue

about both our children



The visible me
laughing
cracking jokes
playing with words
laughing
talking TALKING
not always looking into your eyes
trying to be there for you and you and you…


The hidden me
.... hmmm... sure you really want to know???
crying
searching
thinking about this
thinking about that
thinking
thinking
got to know it ALL
every tiny little detail
anxious
scared
feeling lonely
reading in my history book
or you may call it training instructions
if you do like this
if you do like that
RESULT
questions
impulses
thoughts
covering my path like a sticky mess
what do I make of this
what do I make of that
a fool
am I a fool
believing in words of friendship
in words of love
are you just laughing behind my back
PERFECT
need to get every detail right
words- I love
but also hate
PERFECT
writing in English
not my language for real
writing in English
LOVE IT
GRRR HATE IT
PERFECT
useless
love me
love me NOW
love me more
say the words
PLEASE
please
LOST
CONFUSED
guide me
take my hand in yours
always right
yeah ashamed of that
not always right- I know
tell that to my Asperger
obsessions
compulsions
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
........
hmmmm
turning into YES YES YES YES
fighting against my own rough wind
show you
nah
do I have to
you might hurt me
back into my prison cell
behind bars and lock
it is lonely
scary
I'M SCARED TO BE OUTSIDE
VULNERABLE
taking that risk
yes no yes no yes no......
you might hate me
laugh at me
MY INSIDE IN TEARS
please will you love me for who I am

about myself



a light feather fluttering by
the touch of the unborn life
a sign in its own unique way
the promise of days ahead


tiny hand holding the pointing finger tight tight
with a palm soft and smooth like willow
a miracle in a miniature package
depending on a mother's love and care


two weeks old with his finger deep in his mouth
comfort for a little guy on planet Earth
with a corner of the fluffy cover in his hand
slowly he is falling asleep


picking up rocks from a gravel pathway
tasting to learn about this world
throwing stones into the pond
giggling at the sound created


lining up cars on the bedroom floor
in a straight row to please the eye
collecting snails in a jar
sticky small fingers to wash


the pencil to use with creativity
drawing in 3D- Volvo... SAAB... Mustang and Ferrari
forming letters to combine into words
the magic of reading... not far away


lost in confusion in a world still unknown
fighting to see the hidden codes
sadness building up inside
tears stuck... turning into anger


locked up inside… there is a little boy
pushing to get through when nothing feels right
disappointed and scarred of life
his hands are at war


longing to be set free
trying so hard each day to see the point
using his fists to get it out
to eventually fall apart


hands as big as my own
baby hands grew fast... so fast
his hand in mine
united forever - learning to live

(about our son 10/10-08)