i stopped watching tv for the most part... i only watch maybe 1 hour each week... cuz the media is full of propaganda, alterior motives, hype and brainwashing.
they only let you see what they want you to see and its designed to hypnotize and convince.

but i wont go into that conspiracy theory.... im trying to really be a person people can talk to.....
i change though. the paranoia takes over and i start to feel unwanted or hated or just unwelcome... less that human... unworthy.

i wish someone COULD help me....
i realize whats happening, i just dont want to believe it. its too heartbreaking.... the fact that this is progressing.
i have auditory hallucinations often..... sometimes i believe they are real. and its this self doubt and internal fight with myself that tells me "jen these things are not real" and so i cant even trust myself because i may have been brainwashed by the government to say that to myself.
cuz honestly.... i think it IS real. i think ive tapped into an extra sense. i know the shadow girl i locked away in my painting is suffocating in the paint and now i dont know how to let her back out. i feeel ive committed some kind of murder....

i talk incoherent sometimes. i have to keep pausing and backspacing cuz the subject changes on me.
"i just dont know what to do with myself"
and work is harrassing me and i think thats quite unfair....
i just have too much confusion to construct a defense against it and to formulate a strategy... so i have to let my union take the torch from my hand and i hope they dont drop it on my gasoline covered feet and put me in flames.

um.... i went way off the subject.
just wanna say... dont be scared....
im just a person
a person who just needs people.