(((((((Schatze)))))))),

Please don't add this little outburst to your guilt. It is amazing because what you are describing is exactly what I have been going through.

What I have found is that when things start building up inside & I keep them there, like what you were going through all last week, I'm like a volcano that finally blows. Yelling, throwing things, breaking things, hitting anything arround me, attacking anything or anyone around me. So far that has been limited to husband & Doctors because I am afraid to be around anyone else that might not understand me. Luckily I don't weigh enough to be really dangerous. Once I blow then I'm good for a while until things build back up. Sometimes it is a while between blowups, sometimes it right on top of each other. Geez, I am the one saying that what we need to do is put things into perspective, when I can't even do it myself. I guess knowing & doing are two different things.

I have been noticing that guilt, frustration, the wrong things being said, are the things that are the triggers. Looking back at the past which holds things that shouldn't have happened but did, are things that couldn't have been avoided anyway. I think it is possible that events we miss are probably because we are protecting ourselves rather than getting depressed about the fact that we could have been there. Looking back, I missed my Mothers memorial service not only because I was in the hospital, but also because I couldn't get myself to go near those people who were involved in the part of my mothers life that caused the trauma. Emotions are always going to be there, & regrets need to be put into perspective also.

I think you ability to look at what has been happening to you & being able to define the emotions, experiences & relationship to your actions will help you get out of bed this time, probably sooner than the last time, the time before that, & the time before that, etc. You now have professional help, & not sure if you have a therapist or not, but talking it through does seem to help. Hopefully we can give you some needed support here.

I know you have been really helpful with your responses to my posts, hope I can give at least a little support back. I always hate it when it feels like the professionals minimize what we are going through. I think they are just trying to put things into perspective, but what we are going through is rough.

I am sure you will soon be able to get out of bed & each time, hopefully that time will be less & less. The length of time you are effected is the true test of progress, not the fact that you are back in bed.

Take care & try not let these things depress you. I have been told that these are natural reactions to the situation & natural reactions during recovery.

Debbie