An all expense paid trip to Bermuda? I thought, okay, why not....even if it is w/ my relatives whom I detest...I can keep my distance, right? I feel so alone here....the beauty does not even seem beautiful it just seems haunting, empty, as if it is beckoning me to my death or something. My relatives they come around and say stupid *** things I don't know what they say but it's always putting others down, making snap judgements, no discussion of any kind of substance and or meaning....I keep calling the local psychiatric hotline and crying, crying...calling friends back home and crying, crying.....there are moments when I feel decent but it is a shallow decentness, not based around my friendships back home that took me years to build cannot wait to get back there. I usually go to the library I have my hangouts where they all know me....no one knows me here, really knows me..........I feel like a walking contradiction, everyone I talk to says geez! enjoy yourself! like I am a freak........