WW, how do you negotiate with a controller? I'm starting to wonder why I'm even doing this any more. The things that are a problem aren't something a mediator can help with. It's been court ordered, not something I requested.

My daughter said tonight that she's sick of him pushing her to be something she's not, trying to make her into his idea of perfect. I swear the girl has been in my head the last few weeks, because she said out loud a lot of the things I've been thinking myself. He's doing the same things to her that pushed me closer and closer to the edge. But I can't go in to mediation and ask him to stop forcing her to do things, things that he doesn't think he's doing.

There was a change in visitation because of his fishing trip next week. The kids were going to be with him two weeks and then me two weeks instead of our usual week on/week off. My daughter decided she'd rather stay with me three straight weeks. His fishing trip falls on a week when they're scheduled to be with him, so instead of it being him/me/him/me, it would have been him/me/me/me. He decided to make it him/him/me/me except for Mother's Day weekend when they came by me and then went back to his place Monday. My daughter was upset because he made that decision for them. He did it because HE wanted to see the kids not because they wanted to see him, and because it would even out the visitation days so I couldn't go to court with one more example of how he willingly gives up time with the kids for his own social desires. He never does anything in the kids' best interests, but what's in his best interest. If I go to mediation with these claims, he's going to twist it around to look like I'm making things up

She called him from school saying she was going to stay with me and not go back to his place and would he please drop off her clothes. She called me and said what happened and said he told her he had to talk to me first but she could do whatever she wanted even though he'd rather she come back there. A few minutes later he calls and tells me that he'll let her stay the night, won't bring her clothes, and will call her after he gets home to try to convince her to change her mind. Now, I don't get this because before his girlfriend moved in he had told me (on the phone of course, so no proof) that if the kids didn't like the situation once she moved in that they were free to live with me full time if that's what they wanted. Now, by his actions, he's taking that back. Since we're in the middle of court proceedings, any change in visitation will mean he'll be made to pay child support, something he's fought vehemently the past five years. During the divorce, he'd even said so much as "If you try to get any of my money, I will drag you through the mud and you'll never see your kids again." He had her in tears tonight on the phone because he was so against her not wanting to come back there. He thinks it's because she doesn't want to ride the bus because a boy is harrassing her. She can't tell him it's because of how he's been treating her. When he's mad at me now, since being served court papers, he won't do anything directly to me. He does things to hurt the kids, to put them in the middle and make me feel like I'm the one who's trying to play one against the other. I've been trying to keep them out of it, but tonight, after my daughter said the thing about him pushing her to be something she's not, I finally said "I lived with him for 18 years. I know exactly what you're talking about. That's one of the big reasons I wanted the divorce." She's 14, I think she can start learning a few of the details, especially when he's replaying the same actions with her.

Mediation is next Thursday, the 19th, with a male mediator. I'm so unprepared for this. The letter they returned with the meeting time says that in order for a successful outcome we are to go in with open minds and a willingness to change our position. My position is no drinking when the kids are there (he's been convicted of driving while intoxicated 2.66 times over the legal limit), no physical punishment, letting me have 100% control over their health needs (or at least not be met with a brick wall because he doesn't believe in doctors and doesn't want his kids talking to counselors) and I want first chance to be their babysitter when he can't be with them because his babysitter choices are less than acceptable to me (deciding to throw a party and playing drinking games after you said you would babysit is not my idea of a good babysitter, and now this same person is living with my kids).

I'm losing my grip on why I'm doing this. Mediation services are telling me to basically back down. The abuse shelter is trying to turn me away from one-on-one help since I'm not in immediate danger. A new member came in and told me not to use my kids as pawns just because I hate my ex. I'm starting to think I really am nuts and overprotective and it's perfectly fine to raise kids in a household where alcohol plays a major role and hitting or threatening with future hitting (as in, "don't make me get the belt again") is thought of as acceptable punishment.