Hey muse,

one of the reasons that people with mixed feelings about the sexuality don't like themselves is because they fear rejection by others and they want to fit in with appears to be normal society. They fear they will loose their friends or their family.

You are not alone, many people have been where you are and have found happiness and a fulfilling life. Don't feel ashamed of your feelings, what your feeling is normal. The world gives us very unrealistic images of what men and women are suppose to be like. Including how boys and girls are suppose to be, how families are suppose to be and how relationships are suppose to be.

It might help to find a group in you area for people who are struggling with their feelings of bisexuality or being gay. There is no pressure in the groups but a relaxed way to explore and talk about issues and meet other people.

Some people go through a period of saying they are bisexual before they fully come out. First they come out to themselves and then others. This might not be you.

If you sexuality attracted to women then explore that option. Don't be concerned too much with what sort of porn you like. See if you find gay and lesbian social groups. I understand when you feel that you have keep all this a secret from family and friends, but it might help you to settle down your feelings.