On Saturday I almost jumped front the ledge of a 6 story parking lot. I wasn't at the top, but I was at a level that if I did jump I would most likely break a few things.

Why did I almost do this? I have absolutely no idea. Everything was going perfect. It was a nice sunny day, I was hanging out with my boyfriend having fun, and then I found myself hopping over the gaurdrail. I don't know if it was an impluse or what but I know that right now I definitely need help.

The scariest part about this was that, I wasn't scared. I was perfectly calm looking over the edge which is strange considering that I'm absolutely horrified of heights.

He begged me to come back - I'd never seen him look so scared - and I complied and he told me not to ever do that again and how much he loved and needed me.

Prior to this, I started crying. Just an hour or so befor the initial jump. I was laughing one second, crying the next, and then back to laughing.

I haven't told my father or my psychologist. I'm scared that for one, she'll make me check into Willow Rock (a psychiatric center). And although it is probably for the better, I'm not ready to go back. I only want to see this as a relapse, not a sign that I'm getting worse. It's been months since I've been there and going back feels like everything went to waste. Like a shot after you've been sober for all these years.

In the event that I do go back, it'll put stress on my father, whose doctor has recommended that he get rest. He's already dealing with my sister going to jail (yesterday) and all the other responsibilites of the household. I don't know what to do.

I can imagine most of you might say I should tell my psychologist even if it risks me going back to Willow Rock or even worrying my father, which is understandable given the circumstances.