replying to my own thread. probably needs a trigger but I can't figure out how to do it. oh wait - yes I can - I see them down there under what I'm typing...

good grief, the ups and downs of after-therapy are giving me whiplash. I had what felt like a HUGE BREAKTHROUGH in therapy. Like, HUGE. I don't even know if I can explain it here in words. It was like two parts of my mind were like "hi, nice to meet you" and little tiny three year old me had this awareness that she would grow up to be ME and the scary things would be over. I'm sure that makes no sense.

Anyhow, I left feeling like...."WOW". Totally amazed that the two parts of me could meet and that the littlest part of me could have that knowledge. (T told her and I "got" it AND remembered it).

Then, I was standing in the kitchen peeling potatoes for dinner and this impulse as big as the SUN, as big as the UNIVERSE, came over me to take ALL of my klonopin, or grab a knife and just start hacking away at myself. Total self-destructive thoughts verging on actual suicidal thoughts. Where did that come from?

I do NOT understand therapy sometimes. I left T a message. I am NOT going to do anything to myself. I took 1 1/2 klonopin and I am being a mom and making dinner. But. BUT! Where did this come from?!?!?!?!?!

Oy. I feel like my brain and my emotions are a ping pong ball.