I'm sorry for posting again. I know I just posted a week ago but I'm just really confused right now. About 5 weeks ago I was on an up-swing, which for me is really agitated and anxious. I had meds adjusted and then spiraled down into a depression again. I made a decision at that time that I was going to die from this because I don't want to live the rest of my life on a roller coaster. I read posts here and people keep going up and down all the time, over and over. I don't want to do that. It's totally unacceptable to me. After I decided I was going to die, I really felt a total sense of resolve and started to really disconnect. I expected to die within a week but I never was able to make a plan. When I discussed this with the pdoc he told me that most people who feel like I do can't make a plan. They act on impulse and whatever happens, happens. They have an impulse to be dead and within a couple hours it's over. My problem is that right now I am disconnected with my life. I am just existing. I am going through the motions of living... getting up, showering, going to work, etc... I just am not there. I don't want to be. The only thing I can connect with and feel emotion for is my incessant thoughts of wanting to be dead. I am waiting for something to happen and it won't. Every time I talk to a friend or family on the phone I wonder if it's going to be the last time. I talked about this with my T last week and today but nothing we go over makes me FEEL. She suggested hospitalization but I refused b/c I don't think it's really necessary. I just don't care. I feel bad that my family and friends will feel bad but it just doesn't matter to me enough. I just want to know from you guys what you think about the situation. I am looking for insight because, quite frankly, I don't have any. I don't want to be around but yet I don't do anything about it. I'm fortunate enough to be a nurse and have an intimate knowledge of the workings of the body and how to make them not work anymore. I just can't seem to get anything together. Thoughts???? Thanks so much... I appreciate support on here.