So far, I've seen my T 2x since we started individual therapy (total of 4 times if you count the marriage counseling, total of 5 times if you count group therapy).....

I am in a "fight or flight" mode....and flighting seems to be the most attractive choice....

I am so confused by all the feelings I have. I am upset that my T was so straightforward with me about my marriage, telling me that there is basically no hope for my husband to change. I KNOW that I cannot change him....but I asked specifically, "What if he were to go to therapy, marriage counseling, etc. and get help?"....My T shook his head "no", saying that it would take years of therapy and that he already showed that he was not fully invested in moving in that direction.

Then, the T tells me at my last session that I am not being direct enough with my husband which is allowing him to hang onto hope. Yet, I don't know how I even feel about it all. It's true, I don't think I will ever find happiness in this marriage and that I said that the best case scenerio is that with intense therapy, etc., I'd be settling for "good enough".

What makes me so upset too is that my husband is doing all the right things - working on his behavior, giving me my space, being respectful, started individual therapy, saw a new psychiatrist to adjust his meds....

But then, I read up on the cycle of abuse....this is the "honeymoon phase"....Or is it? Could it be real? Or, once I give him the comfort that I'm not pursuing divorce will he go back to his usual ways? I'm leaning towards the latter because it seems impossible to me that he could "change" overnight!

I am soooo torn. Add to that, I was confident a week ago that I could make ends meet without my husband in the house - albeit a difficult road - we then have a big reorg at my work and now my new boss is someone I've worked with for 9 years who HATES me. And my CFO said that if we don't make money this year, we're all going to need to find new jobs.

WHAT TIMING!!! How on EARTH am I going to move forward with divorce when I have THAT hanging over my head!!!??!?!!?

And then, with the whole group counseling situation....I didn't know diddly about gestalt therapy and went in there doing all the wrong things....Now I feel totally embarrassed and guilty for sabotaging the session and doing it all wrong....with all of those people....OMG....How am I going to face them tomorrow???? They welcomed me so nicely, and I felt so good after leaving....until it dawned on me what had really happened.

I feel like either canceling altogether and never looking back....or if I go, I feel the need to face it head-on admitting how embarrassed I am and how guilty I feel about last week....leaving myself vulnerable for whatever response I get.....

UGH. I am just so upset right now.

Ria