I will try to express myself as simply as I can.

-I always feel worthless and hopeless and feel like I fail at everything I do, I can never be happy with myself and always put myself down. I also cry almost every day. I feel like a wasted piece of flesh. I feel empty and like I really have no propose in life expect to die and rot.

- I hate how I look and I feel disgusted with myself, I really hate mirrors and feel like breaking them when I see my reflection, I feel really depressed and cry when I see girls who are really pretty and often wish I could look like them, I end up feeling so disgusted with myself that I hurt myself buy hitting, scratching and punching. Living with my fiancé I find it easier to hide and can say I just fell or something like that. I just extremely hate myself period.

- I feel like people are always judging me, for whatever reason, my looks, my likes, the things I do, I have gone to job interviews and they never called back and I end up feeling like maybe they thought I was stupid or went with a girl who is better looking. Because of that, I really don't like going out very much and try to avoid being around people if possible.

- I often think about suicide everyday and think of ways of doing it, the thoughts never go away. I honestly wouldn't care if someone came along and killed me. I only try to keep going for my fiancé, but I can't make promises.

- I love my fiancé very much but I always worry that he will leave me and cheat like my dad did with my mom, sometimes I feel like maybe he is really only using me, but yet he is always there for me and does whatever he can for me. I try to trust him but I get something in my head telling me I am stupid and will only get hurt if I trust him. Sometimes I don't understand why he is with me, I know he can do much better.. Yet I worry he will leave me if he finds someone better looking, someone smarter, just someone better than me.

- I end up catching myself talking to myself and calling myself names.

- I worry that people are against me and are only trying to hurt me and make me feel miserable, I feel like people want me dead because they are sick of me, I feel like someone is planning some kind of plot against me.

-This may be sick but I envy family members who died before me, I often feel jealous and wonder why it couldn't of been me.

- I have trouble sleeping, my mind is always racing with thoughts and sometimes it's almost 6-7am in the morning and I just feel to hyper to sleep.

- I like to stab things, like beds and stuffed animals when I feel angry or depressed.

- I enjoy horror movies only to watch people die, I have also watched real deaths like murder and suicide and looked up pictures of such things.

I have been in the mental hospital twice, saw psychiatrists ( I didn't tell them everything since I only talked about the reason why I was in the hospital), I found all of that worthless.



That is all I will post for now before it gets any longer, I feel so much more things but some I just can't put into words.

Thanks for reading.