I finally opened up to him and told him about it.. He said that he wished I'd told him sooner because he would have been sympathetic about it, moreso than he was when I told him.. He was really sympathetic about it though and in the end, I completely snapped and broke down, crumbled, whatever you want to call it.. I couldn't breathe, I was bawling my eyes out, whacking my head and such and it was just.. Gahhh, it was awful!

But. One thing that I have decided to do, finally, after much thought, hesitation and advice from Connor and my friends, is to drop out of college.. It took a hell of a lot for me to decide that because I didn't want to prove to everyone in my group thatI'm a quitter, that they've driven me away.. But I am NOT a quitter. I know that for a fact.. I have pushed myself far harder than I should have and look where it's landed me.. A big, sobbing mess. I spoke to Tom, who's a close friend of mine in the group. He told me that it's "only 2 months" and I said to him "Tom.. I've not been in college for 5 days, right? And look at me! I'm sobbing my heart out, angry, stressed and on the brink of OD'ing again! Think what 2 weeks could do to me, let al,one 2 months!" I told him that nobody in the group could give a flying ***** whether I was alive or dead, in the group, or not in the group, just as long as they could be rid of me somehow. I told him that I'm not letting them down because if anything, they want me gone, they've driven me away and now, I'm at the point that I just can't take anymore. He had the nerve to trun around and say "yes, you are letting the group down." And later admitted that it was bulls**t and a way to try and get me to stay, which was pretty unfair..

I guess.. Like I've said to everyone else.. My heart's in my singing, songwriting, guitar playing.. Not the history of music, the theory of it, stage craft and all that jazz.. My heart is in my animals and that's why when I feel ready, I'm going back to college to do the veterinary nursing course. Because I know a hell of a lot more about animals than I do music and I KNOW wholeheartedly that I WANT to learn about the history of animals and how to heal them.. I want to know everything I can about them, I want to offer my care, love, understanding and ability to somehow connect with animals feelings (probably sounds a load of tosh to some ) and I know thatI fit in with other animal lovers.. Animals are what keeps me sane and working with them is something I want to do and am so eager to do.

So.. I'm giving my tutor a couple of weeks' notice, doing the Bath festival and if she wants me to do the FMP (Final Major Project) gig, I will. I'd love to, in fact.. But the only lessons I'll be attending are the ones for the FMP practise. I know now that my life will be less stressful, less full of things to do, less looking ahead with college work, moving into new flats, getting a job, feeding myself, cleaning, fitting everything in around college, you know? It's gonna be tough leaving, but.. It seems the only way. I won't have failed, as I discovered this morning.. Because I will be leaing with the grades I got last year and they were excellant.. That's because I threw myself into the work to distract myself from my problems.. But it doesn't work anymore, college is just another problem. Tom said that he hates knowing I'm gonna leave, as the best singer in the goup.. But I told him that I'm sick of not being appreciated for it.. The only people that appreciate my voice are the first years, but that's no use because I don't work in bands with them!

One thing I worry about, though, is Sam.. She is just like me, the spitting personality.. She is always apart from the group, quiet, shy, unconfident, needs people to understand her.. S he is so misunderstood.. Just like me.. So, I have added her on Facebook and I'm going to help her as much as I can, especially if it all gets too much for her, because she's pregnant and due in like.. 3 weeks or so.. So.. I'm gonna be there for her, because I kno how it feels to be so alone.

The cuts are healing quite well, just keep getting that stinky, nasty fluid coming out and now have a huge array of blisters going up my arm :/ the nurse said it's ok, she'll check it at the end of the week. So.. Yeah. Last night I was having a meltdown, complete, nasty, ugly meltdown. But having spoken to Connor, told him exactly how I felt, he helped me to realise that college isn't a getaway place for me, it's the main stressor at the moment.. And with around 8 assignments to get done in the space of 6 weeks.. Nuh-uh. I just can't do it.

So.. I'm left with finding a job in the space of 2 weeks, which I want to be based around animals, but beggars can't be choosers and I now have the spare time and freedom to find a flat I like, be able to afford it, be able to go to all my counselling sessions and such and just.. Put my life back on track, THEn and only then, can I go back to college.

I just hope it all works out well..