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Old Mar 17, 2009, 09:32 AM
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chaotic13 chaotic13 is offline
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Aug 2007
Posts: 3,747
Mixed_up... I am struggling with the same indecision. When I first started therapy... I don't know what I wanted, but I think it was to "GET OUT!" At that point all of I was thinking about was... "I want to leave this life, to be free of my oppression and all the responsibilities that I felt were holding me back from being happy." I want to get the confidence I need to stop the blood letting and get this depressed freeloader who was bringing me down out of my life. However, as I started to look at the relationship, I realized...it was just all him. I was looking back into my past with rose-colored glasses and just remembering the freedom aspect of my life before marriage. As I started to dig around in my past and really started remembering the down side of being free.

Like your H, mine has some serious issues of his own that when combined with my issues compound our relationship issues. Sometimes I step back and realize that he is trying (in his own way) to make changes to improve our marriage. This little bit of progress has been enough to create doubt about whether I REALLY want out. I'm questioning if my assumption that I really cannot continue to live the status-quo AND be more of who I want to be is really incompatible. I think I owe it to myself, our kids, and to our marriage to really explore if having both is possible. Maybe this is just me intellectualizing and still trying to ram a square peg in a round hole... but I think for me to abandon my marriage I need to know that I'd exhusted all possibilities to cross the great divide.

I am thankful that my T understands this and has never tried to push the idea that my situation is hopeless.
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach)