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Capp · Mar 17, 2009, 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zyklonP

I do love weed. I don't think I need to be smoking every damn day like I do, though.
Hell, I love heroin. I just know for a fact that one more taste and I'd be either dead or in a complete relapse.
My problem with sobriety lies in that I ****ing hate being sober. I have an addictive personality and I feel that I'm addicted to being ****ed-up, more so than any substance (other than the heroin, of course). I feel that way because whenever I have a trigger (like last night, when my ex-girlfriend [whom I want back very badly] told me that the "other people" she wants to sleep with are men.) I go for my pipe. If I don't have anything to put in my pipe, I go for my valium. If I don't have valium, I grab a bottle of wine or a glass of hard liquor. It's mainly at night, when I have the most problem staying sober. I have trouble sleeping a lot, so the pot helps me with that at least. If I have an issue that night, then I immediately get baked. Most times when I smoke, I ride on a slight buzz.
I honestly don't mind smoking dope. I like it. I don't intend on stopping that. I intend on cutting back on the frequency I smoke.
What I want to stop is medicating my problems away with the weed and the valiums and booze.

zyklonP...

This is only true of me, but before I got clean and sober I was trying desperately to run away from different things in my life.
It felt unbearable to face them without some kind of crutch.
Yeah, when I had a good buzz I felt better so it was real easy to deny my heartache and confusion and anger...

I was in and out of recovery programs because I did not give up all my float-in-feel-goods...alcohol, street drugs, and prescription drugs. I would give up one but use any one of the others that were available to me.
Damn near dying was my bottom.

Detox was an itch with a capital B.
It was months before I heard anything/anyone at any 12th step program--I was too busy thinking my life was more screwed up than anyone else so I had good reason to drink/use.
At some point, I began to hear things that opened my closed heart...folks were sharing about their shame and guilt and really and truly having to take it a day at a time.
I guess I was "dry" enough that I could accept that I had more in common with them than I originally thought...

I had no success in trying to do it alone. It was a major denial on my part that I needed anyone to help me.
Quite frankly, I was kidding myself...

It took several attempts and much anguish before I surrendered...
I will always been grateful for the people who welcomed me back--without judgment but with love.

Peace...inner calmness, hope, laughter, Self Love
Power...to overcome the hesitation and wee bit of fear

Cap