I was just wondering if some of you have a really hard time talking in therapy.
Sometimes I feel like I have waisted most the session just sitting there with small talk, fearing opening up about the harder stuff. Its like there is a battle going on in my mind, one side saying just talk, your T is safe ect. The other saying you'll cry if you do, you'll start spiraling, you can't be vulnerable its too dangerous ect.

My T tonight informed me that after she asked about something hard, I talked a little about it, then went right into what I have been doing in school, how great I did on a test, paper ect. She said did you notice you do that, I said no. She said why do you think you do that, I said I have no idea.
Then she said well you told me that your way of coping has been intellectualization, and one of your coping mechanisms is wrapping yourself up in school work to avoid the feelings. She was right, I do that, I just didn't notice it happened in session.

Anyways, after that, I was quiet most the session, I get so frustrated because I have such a hard time opening up. She asked about some things I can think of that trigger me. I said yelling, when people start yelling or fighting I freeze up. She said what do you think it is that causes that? I said my parents fought alot and I couldn't take that. Then she went more into it, I gave a little detail of things that happened then its as if I spaced out. She was asking me stuff and I was so slow to answer, sometimes I couldn't even answer. I imagine she noticed because she asked what I was feeling and then went right into asking me questions about the kids I watch ect....like a distraction. I felt like I was moving in slow motion even answering those questions, totally spaced out.

I then said, I'm sorry, thank you for talking. I said I'm sorry you have to do most the talking. She said I do talk alot at times. I said, I like it because sometimes I just don't know what to say. She said, I realize that and I know that that can put more pressure on people so I try not to stay silent too long.
I actually love that she does that.

Well ,as session was ending, I said I really, really want to be able to tell you stuff. I know I have things that need to be dealt with but I always have to think this stuff out in my head, what I am going to say ect. That some things are far to digusting to let out. Her response was really sweet about all that. Then she said if there is one simple more easy thing you want to let out because time is almost up what would it be.

I said, I am really thankful that you do this for me, I can be such a pain in the butt. She said something to the effect of, I like doing this for you. I really care about helping you. I started to tear up a little and said, I guess saying that wasn't as easy as I thought. She said, I don't think your use to people caring for you. She is so right. She said I wish I could take all this away for you but you and I know I can't do that, but I can help direct you towards your goals and thats what I want us to do.

When I got up to leave she asked if she could hug me, I said yes, and she gave me the biggest hug.

Ok, it sounds like I talked alot in there, but I really didn't. Sorry this is so long. I just get so frustrated that I can't just talk. I sit there thinking I must be boring as h*ll. She must hate having me in there. She must be thinking spit it out already. Yeah, all this stuff runs through my head. UGh.....

Hangingon