Indeed it was incredibly hard to tell Connor exactly how I felt and about the cutting etc, but I did it and I'm glad I did because I now have more faith in his reactions, thathe won't react angrily and just get me more upset.. It's been 10 days since the last cut, which is pretty darn good for me considering how the last 3 nights have been what with wanting to od and such, even worse than when I last landed myself in hospital because of taking a major overdose. I know what can kill me and I'm walking on very thin ice with my emotions at the moment. I'm scared of myself.

I guess.. You're right about not quitting, just changing my goal and the factthatthere's no point in just carrying on with something because I started it. I spoke to Abi, my key support worker, yesterday and she said that on your CV, dropping out of college looks worse than not going to college at all, and just doing nothing for two years. Yes, it may do that, but if I just want to work with animals, whatarethe people at the veterinary surgery gonna care? I'm going to be doing theveterinary nursing course next year, working for them, putting all my passion and hard work into helping heal animals, so how much is dropping out of a music course going to matterb to them? I knwo it may be hard to get any other normal job because of that, but.. I guess they'll just have to overlook that and realise thatactually, I have the drive to do anything that I want to, considering I pushed myself way over the limit. Abi's writing a letter to my tutor, Kat, and David Forde, who's the manager of performaing arts and music, and I have to speak to them both today to find out if I can do distance learning, so that i don't have the pressures of college and the people in the class bringing me down and can get all teh assignments done within those 6 weeks, probably way less than that, by getting notes from lectures and other such things, sent to me so that I can do all the work at home, all the assignments, at my own pace, with more free time to do it.

I added her on Facebook, so we can keep contact that way and I will also probably get her numbeat some point. I'm going to let her know thatI'm there for her and talk to her about the course etc because I'm so scared that she'll go the same way as me, especially with a baby on the way, due in about 2 weeks. I don't ant anyone else to have to go throughwhat hell I've been through with college, if I can help them, you know? Home's not thatfaraway and I'll eb coming into college to see Connor anyway, so I'll be able to come into college and help her if she needs it.

I know I'm not quitting on me and I justcannot believe how low Tom stooped as to tell me that I'm letting the whole group down, just to try and make me stay. Yeah, he doesn't want to see me "the best singer in the group" leave, but there's no need to try and push my guilt tripping buttons. That's just unfair.

I saw a new counsellor yesterday, called Caroline. It's to deal with all the childhood abuse and the rapes etc. We got on really well, but each session is £25, plus money to get the bus there and doing that, i wouldn't be able to afford to live properly, so she's going to try and get it made even lower and for now, i just have to sit out for a while and wait until I start to get a better income. Let's hope that's very soon. I spoke to her about the first rape, about the guy that did it being in college and she said it must be extremely difficult to see him walking around college staring me down, so smug thathe got away with what was blatantly a rape. I said that yes, it is, he makes me feel weak and stupid , like I shouldn't even be living. But first of all, after introductions and such, she said "I have to say at your age, such a young age and with all that you've been through, just from this very short paragraph I have about you, you're very courageous and brave to have come here, at such an early stage in your life, too. It took me much longer to see a counsellor!" It was nice to hearthat from a counsellor

I saw the guy that raped me the first time (Dean), today and he had that sick, twisted smile and the smug look on his face as he walked towards me to go down the corridor. Atfirst I felt like I was going to collapse or something, but instead, before he could see me, I smiled and carried on walking, staring at him as he walked past. He dropped eye contact first *YES!* and, although it made me feel weak and nervous because I was scared that he might hit me or something, I felt So empowered at that moment that I actually laughed - and punched the air I felt like finally, I'd started to show him that he can't bring me down, no matter how hard he tries, he can't break down my barriers and he can't get to me. Not like he did with the violent rape. I just don't understand how he could get away with it!! It was so blatant what he did! I mean, come on, he used the date rape drug, for crying out loud! How the hell does thatnot SCREAM that it was rape?! HOW???? It makes no sense at all. It makes me sick how he got away with it, I have no idea whatsoever how on Earth anyone could get away with what was so blatantly rape.. How he could make it so *******ed obvious and then lie about it, then get away with it! Yeah, alcohol was involved, but I'd known him for months and the staff at the ymca had even told me that he was a great guy.. How could I have known that he would do something like that?!

Sigh. Rant over. I'm dreading choir. Kat's gonna try and have a pop at me, but I won't stand for it.