Only leave you there if there's room for others under there! I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. The things you are remembering and dealing with are so difficult. The urges are strong and hard and difficult to resist. And you are strong and wonderful. Take the strength you don't think you have, take it from here, from those who feel your urges, who have fought the urges and won, and fought the urges and not won. Take comfort and peace from the love here and the inspiration from all others who post in this forum, for they suffer too--through sharing your suffering and pain and success, you will heal.