Maybe.. But it's not just that.. I saw a new counsellor yesterday, to start work on my childhood abuse and the rapes.. It was really tough, I almost cried at some points.. She said first of all that she sees me as a very brave, courageous girl who, despite all the s**t she's had to shovel, still pushes on and holds even a glint of hope. That felt good.

The childhood abuse talk led into talk about my eating.. I found this part difficult, too.. I couldn't tell her that I've been restricting, not yet.. It was the first time I'd seen her and I just wanted to give her a bit of background information. But.. Yeah.. My childhood abuse, being called "fat", "ugly", "chubs", is partly what caused me to start restricting years ago.. It wasn't that major tbh, but since the year before last, the restricting's become more frequent, less amounts of calories, less fat grams, counting more and more and more, until my whole day is consumed by counting.. People say I'm starving myself, but how am I starving myself if I'm still eating? It makes no sense to me..

Connor says I've lost weight, but I don't believe him. I say "are you just saying that to make me feel better?" and he'll say that he's telling me the truth, yet I still can't believe him. What will it come to?
It's not just about being thin for me, though.. It's about control, it's about something to think about, concentrate on instead of my problems, something to make me feel 'at least i can do something right' and that's being thin, that's getting that control, that's being able to distract myself from my problems.. But is it the right way to go about it? people say no.. but if it keeps me going through the day, able to get on with my life, then.. I see it as a good thing. It's not a problem to me..

I hide the fact that I'm restricting, I think I hide it well.. When I'm around Connor, I may eat a piece of fruit or something, just to "reassure" him that I am eating. He thinks I'm eating regular, healthy meals. No. If I did that, then I'd be told off, I'd be called fat and ugly again and my head would be taken over by these thoughts.. When I don't eat anything, or I restrict, I feel like I'm beginning to be thin, like I'm not going to be fat anymore.. but as soon as I have to go to Connor's and stay over, I have to eat full, healthy, proper meals and that's 3 square meals a day. I feel like crying at the dinner table. I'm always the last one to finish. Always. And I feel like they're watching me, making sure I eat every morsel, even though they don't know that I've been restricting. I cry when I'm alone and my stomach growls painfully, I go upstairs and cry everytime I've just eaten in front of Connor to make him happy. I hate it.

I exercise every other day - Monday morning and evening, Wednesday evening, Friday evening, plus combat on Saturday morning. People say it's excessive, but I disagree. Am I wrong to disagree? Is it excessive?

What can I do?