((((((daynnight--thank you my daer friend for your beautiful words. They touched our heart and the tears flowed from our eyes as we read your words. As I had to come back and read them over and over again for the tears to get them all, my heart tried so hard to grasps them. They were wonderful and I want to hold on to them, even as my head hurts with a pain that I cannot stop with medication from others within. You mean so much to me dear friend.)))))))

((((((fuzzybear--my dear friend, you are always there no matter how we feel or how you are feeling, you are always there for us. I love you my friend. Thank you for your hugs and support also, even in a time when it is very hard for us to feel--I can and so can others see you are there.))))))

(((((((justfloating--thank you for your words of support and for being there. I feel better knowing there are people here that listen and hear me. It means more than anyone will ever know. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone even though it feels so alone, so scary.))))))

((((((trevorzero--thank you for what you said, I guess right now I cannot see what you see, I just write what is inside and what is going on and what we feel. If what we write helps someone then it is worth our pain--although it is terrifying, it just is what is. From inside it is heavy and I need to write to get things out. I am the blessed one that there are people and friends here to hear me. Thank you.))))))

((((((wickedwings--thank you for your words. I am glad to hear from you again. I have not heard from you in a long time. I am scared and am feeling so much. Words are what keep me from losing myself in this darkness. They are the only thing I have to keep me going plus you all. Thank you)))))))

I am sorry that I thanked you all together in one post. I usually would post you each because you and your words mean so much to me, but right now it is all I can do to get my mind to allow me to be in a space to keep my head up. The depression seems to seep in and consume every part of me--even parts of me that I am unsure of. Who may it be I wonder--who can possibly be lurking around the corners of my mind or my eyes. Who can possibly be holding something they need me to know and what is it that I possibly need to know or do I even want to? I am terrified.

Waves come over me one by one and even as I fight to keep them away, they over take me and I am once again gone--but where? A smell, a vision, a dream, a sight--anything just reaches down and grabs my mind at any given moment. It can happen without any notice any care. Once again I can be gone--I try to cling to words those here have said--but they seem to vanish when the darkness comes. And I am clinging to the ceiling from above for my life from what I am seeing.

The steepness gets steeper in the middle of the night. The walls seem to begin to breath and come together to get me. It is as if they know something I don't. And I run--and when I run, I know they know. You jump at nothing, shadows from the candle flicker as if speaking and you strain because maybe there is something to be heard--but silence.

Yet, there still is this chill whithin that hurts as you shiver and it is not even cold outside of yourself--so you know it has to be within. What is it? You keep asking yourself, and you curl up just praying for mornng to come and the walls to go back to normal, and that no one knows what is happening within the walls where you are.

Time seems to stand still in the dark. It seems no one is there, no one is around and you are alone to face these evils lurking. And they are real, you just cannot bring yourself to let go--to let anyone inside for fear. Fear of no one seems real--no one seems there. Would they be? Would they really?

Questions so many--and so many belong to us. When you have never been allowed to trust and you are just learning what do you do? Do you even trust yourself? And as you look through the dark for the words and the strength to reach--is it okay--is it really okay?? Will this ever end? Will there ever come a day when we won't be terrified anymore? Will there ever be a time when we don't wish we would end?

dps