Here's something interesting:

I'm a crier. Always have been. I cry at everything, and with the depression I've been crying at absolutely nothing. Tonight I was just sitting there, and the thought came into my head, "Wow, I'm really happy tonight." And then I burst into tears. I think they were tears of relief. I feel like ... I dunno, like suddenly I have an actual future, like my life isn't meaningless anymore, like maybe, just maybe I'll be able to make something of myself and my life. Like I have HOPE. And that ... well, it makes me cry. I haven't been happy -- much less cried tears of happiness -- in AGES.

I was thinking about it and I think I do know what set off my low mood last night. The two most important people in my life are my two best friends, and my relationship with one of them has completely broken down over the last few months. I refused to acknowledge it, but his presence in my life was making the depression worse. He wasn't doing anything wrong, in fact he was what kept me going a lot of the time, but I also leaned on him too heavily. I thought I'd developped stronger feelings for him, but I've also started realizing that he's not the man I thought he was, that I was putting him on a pedestal because I needed someone to take care of me and because I was too depressed to think I deserved better. I don't know what to do about him now. I hate to lose him as a friend, but he's been awkward and avoiding me. I think he got tired of my leaning on him so much -- I would too, if I were him -- and now that I'm doing better I'd like to show him that I can take care of myself now, but I also think things might be damaged beyond repair. And when I start freaking out about this relationship, it makes me start feeling low, questioning myself, basically inviting the depression back in. In a lot of ways, he just isn't good for me anymore. It's to do with his personality, the changes in mine, the places we've come to in our lives ... I read that we shouldn't allow "toxic people" into our lives, or that we should try to stay away from them as much as possible. But can I really say that my best friend has become a "toxic" presence in my life? He's a good person. It's just that right now ... he may not be good for me. It makes me confused and incredibly sad. Should I risk the progress I've made for the sake of trying to repair this friendship, or do I risk losing my best friend for the sake of making progress on my own? Any advice? Hugs would be good too. Thinking about all this is making me feel crummy again.