Abby,
I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain, that you have lived in this nightmare of pain and depression. It is scary and what you are writing about is very real and truthful.

Sannah said it about the should's. Really there are no should's, I say the same thing all the time and am reminded that the only way to get beyond that is to accept what is now.

So, I'm wondering if you have thought about finding a therapist to work with or if you are in therapy. What you have written here is so heartfelt, I am almost feel like bringing it into my therapist and telling her that someone else understands the way I feel. I really believe that a therapist could help you with what you are experiencing and start to unravel the pain that you experienced as a child and develop better coping mechanisms and start the healing process that you want.

The last line said so much and it just told me that you have so much to offer other people. You are something pretty special and want the help that you are so worthy of. I sense that not only will you start to heal yourself but that you will help others in their process. You already have by showing me that I am not alone. You have a profound way of writing that allows others to know that you understand. It's a gift and I hope that you allow yourself to get the help so that you can feel some relief and sense of positive being.

Keep posting and let us know how it is going - please find someone to talk to that is caring, sensitive and will really take the time to listen and help.