Well, I've actually made a decision for what I want to do next and even feel excited about it! I'm pursuing an internship for the summer which is simply perfect for me, should graduate with a BA by the end of summer and applying into the MSW/MPA double degree at my college for the fall. Shaping them together I'll be prepared to work in a social work setting, write grants and do administrative stuff(if needed - I'm getting this for practicality more than interest!) with Native Americans in a cultural-holistic manner. Eh, that's not worded too great, but basically I believe the revitalization of Native culture and community including languages, arts, experiencing nature and gatherings is holistically healing and fulfilling for Native Americans. It instills community and identity to people who feel misplaced and marginalized, builds pride and self-confidence. Well, that's a little overview of my senior thesis, anyway! I also think cultural programs can be very effective for any population, but this is part of my heritage, abilities and interests, and addresses a very significant and largely under-noticed issue.

But then there's the conflict... this is to pursue life, but I've been settled on/expecting death. To follow this is to risk gaining another important thing only to face the crash when it falls apart. It's so painful, difficult and scary to step away what I've come to expect - and the slow suicide of restriction I've been moving towards - and devote myself to this possibility. This possibility which I fear will end as my other experiences. Feels like I'm being taunted with something amazing only to have it ripped away, again.

Hm... the conflict of mental illness and the pursuit of education/vocation. What a mess. And my first real step would be to reduce my restricting(probably a diagnosable ED-NOS). I'm so good at creating problems for myself!