hi. i am a 19yo female who still lives at home. when i was growing up, i lived with my mom and her abusive husband...not my dad...we could never have friends over because he would always be drunk. i was picked on a lot during school, from kindergarten right up until graduation. when I was twelve my mom finally left her husband. i seemed to go all to pieces - i was sad at first because i had loved the man and his daughter, who had been my older stepsister. i started using my middle name instead if my first one, became outspoken and rude, and purposely did things to annoy my mother/peers...

i failed 7th grade that year and had to attend summerschool. same thing with 8th the year after that. i was picked on more than ever for my behavior, never managing to have more than one close friend at a time and even then not really feeling so close to them...sometimes i had no friends at all. i would cut myself to get attention and then got angry when my mom found out...

as i got older i got into HS, and i failed ninth grade three times because i just didn't care. i stayed out of school because my peers made me miserable and wanted to sleep in class to escape. i fought to escape all the time. i stayed on the internet 24/7 to make up for lack of real friends, but even my online friends weren't people i felt CLOSE to. i felt lonely.

i have never learned to drive. i had no motivation. i am 19 and graduated now, still at home, and cannot drive. i had to get rides o the local college and eventually dropped out because it depressed me - i didnt understand anything and transportation was so hard.

i have a boyfriend, but our relationship over the course of 4 years has gone downhill...we spend most of our time arguing or pretending things are okay when they're not. he's so sensetive i cant tell him ANYTHING...i can't and don't feel close to him anymore and that makes me so sad because i love him so much...

too many people know me here...it's a small town...no one is like me or has my interests...i feel as if I am incapable of being close to someone and I'm so lonely i feel like my chest weighs a ton. i want to have therapy but it's expensive and it involves trying to get transportation and telling my mom wants going on since i still live with her...i just don't feel like i should worry her or she would understand...i seem fine most of the time, but i am achingly lonely and my mom isn't someone i can get close to because our views are so different on so many things...

i just want one intimate, real relationship...romantic, friends, anything. i am so lonely. i feel like it has always been this way and always will be. i just don't know what to do.