I want to thank everyone for the kinds words of encouragement and support. It helps to know that I'm not alone, that perhaps things aren't as bad as they seem, and there's always hope for the future.

I'm feeling a little better today, not 100% convinced it is over (we have a history of undoing these things, although this time is definitely different and feels like it's more likely to be final, as she's made clear)... of course, that's also probably a healthy dose of denial. Nothing like good ole denial to keep you going...

There are flashes of anger... at myself, at her... at letting it get like this or to this point. I know I'm not all to blame, yet you can't help but feel like you are a big part of the problem (even when she herself tells me I'm not, and tries to take the blame, I know she's doing it partially because it's true and that's what she believes, but also part because I know she's trying to make this as easy as possible, hoping I will just sort of go away)...

Today is going to be difficult, I know. Yesterday was tough, today isn't any easier because I have 8 or 9 hours here alone in this house. I have little to do, and even less motivation to do it. I went to church already, thinking that would help, and it sorta did... been afraid to call my family, because I feel like if I confide in them, that will make it more "real" and permanent...

Thanks again, hanging in there....

John