As you may know, my dad passed away suddenly 2 years ago, collapsing from a massive heart attack at the age of 57 in front of my mom and then 5 year old daughter.

I feel like I haven't gone through the stages of grief yet and am still in a denial/mourning phase. I usually push thoughts out of my mind so that I don't get consumed by the pain, the realization that he's gone.

I found out the other day that my dad's brother is in the hospital, planning to have heart surgery. I was driving home from work today, and a memory hit me like a ton of bricks....of the day my dad went in to have his stent procedure done (3 months before he died). He was sooo afraid to die. My mom said he cried the night before the procedure, afraid that he wasn't going to live through it. I was the one that was with him that morning of the procedure. And I remember him clinging onto me with terror in his eyes, saying our "I love yous" and giving each other a kiss.....

I know how afraid he must have been then....and how such a short time later, his fear became a reality.

That memory hit me so strong that I couldn't breathe! I was choking back the tears and quickly took an Ativan....

As tears are now rolling down my face, I don't want to feel this pain. I don't want it.....I don't want to face the fact that my dad is really gone.

Ria