This will probably be all over the place with random bits of info. It's really late/early and I'm stressed so forgiveness is asked for any confusion or headache!

My T is on vacation, returning either Saturday or Sunday, I'm not sure. I also won't be able to have a session with her until early April because our schedules clash that much. But I know we will have contact once she returns.

We (I'm multiple) usually have a lot of contact - email, phone calls, and texting when needed. Where she's at though, she has no cell phone service, so we've been flying solo for only a couple of days.

We have a second T who we are close to as well, though no nearly as attached as we are to the one that is on vacation.

Being apart from our T is very stressful. Mostly because we have horrible abandonment fears and the realization that we only technically have 2 sessions left with her because of University policy. We're unsure of how it will all work once we have to be terminated. She wants to continue seeing us as much as we want to continue to see her.

Anyway... Today I had this wonderful dream about her. It was very loving and caring. It also had her husband and son in the dream. It was like they had taken me in as part of the family, protecting me from my biological mother and all of her harm. I woke up and for a moment I felt great - it was truly a great dream. I felt safe and loved. Then I got upset. Upset that I am so attached. Upset that deep down I really want to be a big part of her life but realize that's not possible.

It also triggered me because that's a core issue of mine. I'm seeking a family, a parent, specifically a mother. And my other T (not Uni) has made it clear that that will never happen. That I pretty much have to deal with this void. After that dream, I think I realized that I can't do that. It's something so core to me, so tied to me, so desperately needed, that it's not something I think can be fixed in therapy.

So now I just want to quit. I want to run because I can't deal with the pain of attachment. But at the same time all I want to do is cling tightly to her and say please just don't let me go.

Her gone and this dream has just triggered the hell out of me and made me realize how badly I just want her. How badly I just want to know that if I reach for her she'll be there. And I think it's slapped me in the face that it's not the case.