Wow.

I know it's control for me.. The less I eat, the more control I have, plus, my plan for being able to afford the counselling was to stop eating, or start restricting even more, so I have.

The reason i hide it from Connor is because then I know that I'M the one in control, not him. It's not him choosing what I do and dont eat, it's me. Strange as it sounds, I feel like by hiding it from everyone, I am in control of my life. Because of being in control of my eating, that's something I am in control of in my life, therefore I am in control of my life.

Sigh. I've surrounded myself with food, food that I cook, food that I prepare for others to eat, but never food for me to eat. Never. Unless it's salad. Even then I'll probably not have it. People think I'm eating it, but I always just throw it in the bin, or give it to someone else. I don't eat it, I don't want to eat it. I hate myself. I'm fat, ugly, repulsive and I shouldn't eat because it'll make me fatter.

What I think of the restricting in private? I think.. At least people can't catch me out when I'm doing it, because I'll eat a piece of fruit or something from a salad, and he'll be happy, he'll think nothing of it. Great on my part. Not so much on his, but I just want to be thinner and more in control and he wants me to be happy and I will be if I'm thin and in control.

Bleh. I don't feel so good today..