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Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies
Wow.
I know it's control for me.. The less I eat, the more control I have, plus, my plan for being able to afford the counselling was to stop eating, or start restricting even more, so I have.
The reason i hide it from Connor is because then I know that I'M the one in control, not him. It's not him choosing what I do and dont eat, it's me. Strange as it sounds, I feel like by hiding it from everyone, I am in control of my life. Because of being in control of my eating, that's something I am in control of in my life, therefore I am in control of my life.
Sigh. I've surrounded myself with food, food that I cook, food that I prepare for others to eat, but never food for me to eat. Never. Unless it's salad. Even then I'll probably not have it. People think I'm eating it, but I always just throw it in the bin, or give it to someone else. I don't eat it, I don't want to eat it. I hate myself. I'm fat, ugly, repulsive and I shouldn't eat because it'll make me fatter.
What I think of the restricting in private? I think.. At least people can't catch me out when I'm doing it, because I'll eat a piece of fruit or something from a salad, and he'll be happy, he'll think nothing of it. Great on my part. Not so much on his, but I just want to be thinner and more in control and he wants me to be happy and I will be if I'm thin and in control.
Bleh. I don't feel so good today..
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Duhhhh, DeeBBBB,
I'm feeling quite foolish right now, Pain, I answered last night with a vaugue recolection of your first Post . I just reread it and what Pegusus wrote . I was in my own world of hurt trying to get out some how . I missed your already seeing its about control.
I think Peg is correct that the ramifications of past abuse gets worked out in the form ,actions ,interations of an eating disorder and as you said it detracts from some of the original pain and the issues that arise from the day to day reinforcement of the abusers projection onto us.
Its like a deadly performace Picasso , work of art through the body.
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The childhood abuse talk led into talk about my eating.. I found this part difficult, too.. I couldn't tell her that I've been restricting, not yet.. It was the first time I'd seen her and I just wanted to give her a bit of background information. But.. Yeah.. My childhood abuse, being called "fat", "ugly", "chubs", is partly what caused me to start restricting years ago..
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I had this happen to me also . I was ganged up on by an entire class room and those who were my neighborhood girlfreinds. There were Bully leaders . I was the victium.
So this lead to Body dismorphia . When I turned 13 I started becomming beautiful . But I was told my legs were ugly , i was ugly, too tall , uncoordinated , poor posture, flat chested, and fat , always fat,
It took me till I was "50 years old" to realize I have GREAT LEGS,
i do..
And I'm not fat at all. As I look back o my early teen years I can see in a few photos I was not fat I was pretty atractive .
No one told me . I guess they assume I knew . I really didn't.
I'm kinda over the hill now.
and only three years old with appreciating my body.
I took some self photos of me in the woods..and they let me see me . many not knowing me truely woulds assume other thoughts when seeing what I did.
I can still easily vasilate about my self image outwardly. so I have to be careful about what kind of men Im around.
The abuse effected me inwardly as well . The message being . Im not good enough.
Fear of fat is a big one with the restricting and control . Acceptance that Im no longer fat and ugly and don't need to be any thinner helps.
Its when I get around others that may hint Im not adequate or reject me that the ,
"i'll just loose more weight" thought comes in.
Its just a thought Now . I try to recognize it for what it is .
So is the I'll just stop eating to get more money .
Its just a thought.
My real issue is fear and Im in pain right now and have been for over three years .
filed with Bully thoughts ,
placing myself with those who veiw me as sick and a problem.
Kinda reinforcement for My being the Problem and to balme in my family ..
anyway.
I let myself have a piece of chocoate or a cookie ever so often , even an ice cream cone . and Im okay, I just have to mange the I want the while bo and bag feeling so I just don't purchase bags.
I was in the supper walmart after visiting the dentist. I needed some comfort. Went in and they were 'OUT" of thier big huge oatmeal cookies ,
They had a five packer. . At 450 cals each I knew Id be in trouble with a fiver..
so what did I get....
O yeah an Ice cream cup from a Mcdonalds store in the lobby,,,,and a bag of oranges for the trip home,
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Heres a question / exersize to ask .
What if Conner weren't in the picture?
what if it was just you?
What would you eat then and for whom.
And what food would you want to fix for you if no one knew,
BTW. I'm not real good with fixing food for others . I don't spend lots of time thinking about food .
I spent all my time for 14 years 24 hours and that was my life.
Now its just whats for my meal as it aproaches one day at a time .
whe it gets to be for someone else Ill be i new teritory, It hasn't happened yet . Hopefully Ill have someoe whos aware that I need some support .
.because of what I experienced I can never be" Normal" . Susy home baker . So I work with what my life has been and thats okay, I have other things I can offer other than being a great cook even though I was one once upon a time.
Patricia