DoggyBonz-
I have definately spent a lot of grazing over the surface of things in therapy. Any time my T would touch on a potential traumatic topic I would put the kabash on that. For so long I have had this presentation of everything being fine, maybe perfect, definately as if I have it all together. And it is not that I don't fair okay, it's just that I DON'T have it all together. Under the surface I am a mess, or at least messy. As for the emotional side of things- I generally know what I am feeling but have the internal shame of thinking that my feelings are very, very bad things. This gets me into trouble in so many ways...
I have been checking out some of this parts theory...There are quite a few threads about it in the psychotherapy forum. I have identified parts of myself. It has been interesting for these "parts" to come out in therapy. Facinating actually.
Since posting this, and in the midst of emotional upheaval, I have been able to observe how much and in what ways I am using "emotional" SI...Seems to stem both from a fear of being out of control and an intense self loathing that stems from the first.
I did try to talk about all of this with my T this week and went into shut down mode...But at least I had another place to put this for now. At least I spoke it out loud (not the act itself) and gave a voice to how I hurt myself and the horror and shame of that.
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Originally Posted by DoggyBonz
I tried to deny the trauma for a long time, I really wanted to believe that I was the problem and everything was my fault. I was born "bad" and that is why things happened. After reading your post and others I am starting to feel safer with the idea that it was all images that as a family we portrayed. Tie that in with the emotional SI and I have a year of material for therapy. 
Have you ever watched a dog, I love them so I find them facinating. You can be having a bad day and say something to them or make them wait and extra 10 minutes to go out and yet a few seconds later they don't care. They don't hold grudges or beat themselves up thinking they must have done something wrong....My therapist was talking about that, how maybe when I start to go down these paths which is often I can think about the forgiveness a dog has and realize that it may not be possible for me right now but that it does exist. |
You mean that we should forgive ourselves for being hard on ourselves like a dog is so quick to forgive? If so than I think that might be a great example of how to have self forgiveness...and self acceptance...
Thanks for this conversation DoggyBonz, I have appreciated it.