((KK)) thank you for sharing what's going on with you. i appreciate your being honest with yourself and those of us with addictions in recovery or not. my sponsor told me one time when i "picked up" that i needed to share at the meeting about picking up. course my ego got in the way but i did what she told me. she explained that one, it was keeping me honest and letting ppl know i needed support from them and two, it would remind those in the rooms that had stayed sober where picking up a drink could take them.
have you looked at what led up to the drink? had you gotten complacent and stopped going to meetings regularly? i found in early recovery/relapse this helped me better understand where i had made a "wrong turn" so i could make that detour next time and stay sober. i benefitted from that exercise and by the grace of my higher power, whom i choose to call God, i have been sober for quite some time. BUT for each of us, it's a day at a time. if i ever lose sight of that and stop going to meetings i am heading for a drink, jme. thus far it's worked for 18 years. another very important thing my sponsor taught me was that sobreity had to come first in my life or i wouldn't have a life. she was right! and my sober life has been abundantly full of wonderful things beyond anything i ever dreamed could happen.
i hope you will keep us posted on your journey of staying sober. we are here for you and support you accomplishing that. doing a relapse list of what you think went wrong with your not valuing sobriety will help you too, imho.
"meeting makers make it", mo, and will keep you in my prayers.