So, I can't believe I'm posting this. Wonder if it means my conscience is getting the best of me or I just need someone to understand?

There's a story of the daughter that just wanted to please her parent's but never could, then became a wife that just wanted to please her new extended family and then had children only to totally lose herself in order to be there unconditionally for them. Then, one day something *snaps*-- she can't find whatever it was she gave out all the time-- she feels worthless if she can't keep giving. Not liking those feelings-- she wants to hide or pretend.

She numbs the feelings of losing herself and dissappointments by having a drink... then another. But it's somehow not enough.... what's this?--- her son's unused pills for attention deficit.... maybe those will get her mind off of herself.

She begins to want to use them for socializing-- she's always been too shy. Now she wonders if she's gone too far. The perfect girl that always did everything right and was there for everyone is now alone in her deceitful world!

OK- so it's my story-- summarized of course. There's alcoholism in my family and drug addiction but I swore-I had it together- I saw what it's done to too many people and figured it would never be me. Sometimes I still am not sure if I have a problem??

Why am I posting then..... I spose I'm scared !! I know there's a risk in keeping up what I'm doing... but part of me says--- " it's alright.. I've got it under control"-- which, I feel like I do-- for now.

Guess I just wanted to open up- in a safe place.

It took so much for me to post this.... I so hope no one thinks bad of me.... I have more than enough bad feelings for myself.

Thanks- to anyone that reads this,
Mandy