Thank you all so very, very much... today was bad. Argument with my mom over something REALLY stupid (HER FAULT. I DON'T CARE. IT WAS. NYYYEEEEEHH!). And I feel dejected. But I guess that's just the way it goes, huh?

I feel really awful, actually.
Do you ever feel like you'll never amount to anything? Like your life might serve only as a warning to others? Hell, of course you do. We all do. It happens. Still. I feel as though God has given me all these gifts and I simply cannot figure out how to use them, or which ones to focus on. I feel like no matter which direction I move in, it always leads to more pain or fear or badness.

And you know what's worst? MY LIFE IS AMAZING!!! I am a spoiled little PRINCESS by anybody's standards! I have loving, caring, giving parents (even though my mother can be a psychotic, emotionally abusive nutcase, but wth) a brilliant, beautiful little brother, wonderful friends, a fantastic education, and EVERY opportunity in the WORLD AT MY FINGERTIPS!! AND I AM STUCK! It drives me crazy... there are moments, like now, when I feel like I shouldn't exist, like I'm just so empty. Moments when I wish I had the guts to... or had succeeded in... the awful 5hi7 I pulled back in October of last year... but I don'tcan'twont'that'sbadbadbadbad... UUUGGHH.

I feel like... like no matter what I do, I will always be faced with more work. I know that sounds selfish, foolish even--of COURSE I will. That is life. But that's just the problem. If I can't even deal with the stupid coursework of high school, with the basic, mundane aspects of living as a teenager, being cared for in my parent's house, how am I going to deal with the rest of it? There is absolutely no end in sight. None.

I am eighteen, and I'm tired of life! I'm tired of doing this, day in and day out! I have a few months left 'till MAJOR CHANGE, a few difficult, daunting, scary-*** months, and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, things will improve, but I am SO DAMN TIRED!!!!!

Ugh. I'm sorry, you guys. If you've read through this, you're a better person than most (or you care more. Or you're fascinated by my strangeness. Or whatever). I'm sorry. I suck.

Honestly? I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. Stay here, do nothing, futz around on the internet, never grow up and be a lazy good-for-nothing. Anything else is too scary and hard.

I hate days like this. :'(