How do you do it? My family has been pretty good about my depression, all things considered. They're supportive and understanding, and they try to do whatever they can to help. But they're also a lot easier to handle in small doses. From here in Scotland, I only speak to them once a week, plus the odd email, and even that I find overwhelming. I can't stand the nagging. Am I taking my meds? When was the last time I saw my counsellor? When is my next doctor's appointment? Am I eating? Am I sleeping at regular hours? Am I using the SAD light? Am I keeping up with school? I know that they mean well, but the bombardment with the same questions every week wears me out and lately it's been triggering the depression for some reason, probably because I get irritated with them and then feel guilty for being irritated when I know they're just worried and trying to help.

I'm going home on Wednesday, and although I miss Canada and my friends and family there, I'm also a little reluctant to go. When the depression was really bad, I saw going back to Canada as an escape -- from school, from work, from the stress of navigating my way through another country -- but now that I'm starting to feel better, it's like the reverse is happening. The last time I was home, my dad set up a very specific sleep schedule for me so that I wouldn't over-sleep (I told him I'd been sleeping up to 20 hours a day and that really freaked him out) and my mom nagged/pushed me to exercise and eat properly. I appreciate it all, but from the sounds of things, even though I'm feeling better, they're gearing up to force all of these "routines" on me again. In hindsight, it was good for me when I was last home because I was so low I wouldn't have gotten out of bed unless they dragged me. But now that I'm starting to feel better, I've developed my own coping mechanisms for the depression, the biggest of which is that when I start to feel it coming on I try to distance myself from whatever triggered it (ie, I'll put away my schoolwork and go for a walk instead to de-stress). Stress has been the absolute worst trigger, but just being around my family is stressful enough -- there's two parents, a bunch of neurotic grandparents, plus my three younger siblings -- and I've always been expected to take on a lot of familial responsibility at home (for example my grandmother is freaking out about my grandpa, who is sick, and we take turns spending the day with her to calm her down, which is draining for healthy people, much less someone who's depressed) or chauffeuring/babysitting the siblings.

I'm just afraid that when I get home, I'm going to crack. I've tried explaining that even though I'm feeling better, it doesn't mean that the depression is GONE and I have no emotional or energy reserves just now and that I'd appreciate my family's patience, but it's like I said "feeling better" and they stopped hearing the rest. They've already restarted the old pressures to succeed at school (which were part of the onset of the depression in the first place) because they think I can handle it again, and I'm already starting to feel nervous and guilty about not meeting their expectations. I don't know what to do. I really want to go home but I'm terrified of what it's going to do to me.

Wow, that was long, sorry. If you managed to read all the way through, does anyone have any advice? I'd really appreciate it.