I still feel inadequate, still feel fat, not tall enough, like I have horrible legs, a horrible stomach, a horrible chest, everything.. I apparently have a "****** nose" which is what my sister called it. I always think she's gonna change, I always talk to her kindly (we don't live together) and as though she's the best twin in the world and I love her so much. I do love her so much. But she's such a cow to me, yet every time, i think she's gonna change, every time, I let myself in to being beaten down again, I weaken my barrier and she knocks it straight down. So, I've learned to stop doing that now. Always be prepared for it. And last night, she added me on msn. I though t'hey, that's nice, but I'm ready for her to spit s**t at me' and sure enough, not long into the conversation she started having a pop about Mum being an alcoholic, so I threw back at her that her smoking is exactly the same as Mum drinking, or me cutting. It's all a form of self harm she said "I only do it when i'm drinking, I don't need it, I just like it, so don't start that s**t on me" so I just said "Bry, dear.. It doesn't matter whether you just do it socially or not. If you didn't need it then why do it? It's still the same as Mum with alcohol and me with cutting. You cannot deny that, so don't you dare even try to have a poop at me, or our Mother, bceause you're wrong and you know it." She just said ok after that. Score:1.0 to me. Yes!

She tried being nasty about my dog, saying I'm not having her back. So, I thought what the hell? I'll give her a piece of information that she can't chew on. So told her that I'm getting a parrot and told her about how, he normally bites new people, but when he met me he just crawled over my shoulders. She didn't know what to say. She hates the fact that I'm achieving stuff, especially when it's so much more than what she's achieving.

She likes to tell me how imperfect I am. Likes to comment on my pictures on facebook, telling me I look like a man, or something pathetic like that. I hate it. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It makes me insecure. It makes me hate myself that little bit more.. Grr. I hate myself enough, isn't that enough for Bryony? Isn't that enough for all the people that hate me so much they just want to make me feel worse?

I scare myself sometimes.. I'm going to the gym four days a week.. Evgeryone tells me that's overdoing it, excessive, but I'm like.. Wha? I'm just trying to tone up.. NOT. More like lose super amounts of weight and not eat properly so I can lose those super amounts of weigth and become thin like I have wanted to for ages.. You know.. I look at pictures of me now, sometimes and I think.. That's not me.. I'm not her. She's pretty. She's got a nice, smoothly shaped face, pretty eyes, lovely hair.. Of course, I love my hair.. But.. It's not me.. She's not fat, I am.

Blahh. I'm supposed to be going to the female gym sessions now, but I have so much college work to get done and it's all like.. Gaaaahhh!

So.. I'm making up for ti by working out double time in the gym tonight. If my friends find out and other people, they'll go nuts. So.. It's yet more hiding away from people. Not fun.

I just don't know how long this will last for.. I even have a dieting buddy.

Ok, if Connor weren't in the picture? I would still restrict and starve and such. I'm insecure about everything about me. I hate myself, so why wouldn't I carry on restricting and starving etc. I'll not stop just because certain people are out of the picture.. My adoptive family fo rinstance, even htough I don't live with them and barely talk to them, anymore, I still feel like I have to prove myself to them somehow, I still feel like I have to be thin for them, i still feel like I have to be perfect for them. I know it#s an impossible goal, but.. I've been as close to perfect as I can get, before, so why hsouldn't I do it again?